How to Find Yourself Again After Losing Yourself in a Relationship

Girl, can we talk about something real for a second?

You used to have hobbies. You used to have opinions. You used to have dreams that had nothing to do with him.
And now? You don't even know what you like anymore. You don't know what YOU want because you spent so long wanting what HE wanted. You've morphed into whatever he needed you to be.

And now that he's gone, you're sitting there like... wait. Who even am I?
Been there. And it's one of the most disorienting, scary feelings in the world.
But here's what I know: You're still in there. The real you. She's just buried under layers of people-pleasing, relationship dynamics, and losing yourself trying to be enough for someone else.
Let's dig her back up.

How Did This Even Happen? (Don't Beat Yourself Up)

First, let's get one thing straight: This is SO common. Especially for women.

We're socialized to be accommodating, flexible, supportive. We're taught that love means sacrifice. That good girlfriends adapt. That relationships require compromise.

And those things are true... to a point.

But somewhere along the way, "compromise" became "erase yourself."

You stopped doing things you loved because he wasn't interested.

You changed your opinions to match his to avoid conflict.

You dressed differently, talked differently, prioritized differently.

You made yourself smaller to make him comfortable.

Not because you're weak. Because you loved someone and wanted it to work.

But now he's gone, and you're left with this person you don't even recognize in the mirror.

So how do you find yourself again?

Step 1: Make a List of "Before Him"

Grab a journal. This is important.

I want you to write down everything you can remember about who you were BEFORE this relationship. Before you met him. Before you started changing yourself to fit into his life.

Write:

"Before him, I used to..."

• What hobbies did you have?

• What did you do on weekends?

• What music did you listen to?

• What shows did you watch?

• What were your goals?

• What made you laugh?

• Who were your friends?

• How did you dress?

• What did you dream about?

Don't judge any of it. Just write. Let the memories come.

Some of this stuff might feel silly. "I used to love going to pottery classes" or "I was really into indie music" or "I wanted to learn photography."

Write it all down.

Because buried in this list is a roadmap back to yourself.

Step 2: Separate "His Interests" from "Our Interests" from "My Interests"

Now, here's where it gets interesting.

Not everything you did in the relationship was fake. Some things you genuinely enjoyed because of him, and that's okay. Those can become YOUR things now if you want them to be.

Make three columns:

Column 1: His Interests (that I adopted)

Things you only did because of him and you never actually enjoyed

Example: Watching sports, going to certain restaurants, listening to certain music

Column 2: Our Interests (that we discovered together)

Things you genuinely enjoyed together and might still enjoy

Example: Hiking, cooking, certain TV shows, traveling

Column 3: My Interests (that I gave up)

Things YOU loved that slowly faded during the relationship

Example: Dance classes, book club, painting, writing

This is crucial because:

You don't have to give up EVERYTHING from the relationship. If you discovered you love hiking while dating him, you can still love hiking. That's yours now.

But those things you only pretended to like? Let those go, sis.

Focus your energy on Column 3. That's where you'll find yourself again.

Step 3: Do ONE Thing This Week That's Just for You

Don't try to rediscover yourself all at once. That's overwhelming.

Instead, pick ONE thing from your "My Interests" list and do it this week.

Just one.

Examples:

• Sign up for that dance class you loved

• Buy the art supplies you used to use

• Go to a coffee shop and read for an hour (something YOU want to read)

• Cook a meal you love (even if he hated it)

• Listen to the music you stopped playing

• Call the friend you lost touch with

• Go somewhere you loved that he never wanted to go

It's gonna feel weird at first. You might even feel guilty, like you're betraying the relationship somehow.

That's normal. Do it anyway.

Because every time you choose yourself, you're coming back home.

Step 4: The "What Do I Actually Like?" Experiment

Here's a fun exercise that helped me SO much:

For the next 30 days, I want you to experiment with your preferences. Test what YOU actually like vs. what you adopted from him.

Try this:

Food: Order what YOU want, not what sounds "safe" or what he would've ordered

Music: Listen to a different genre every week, see what resonates

Movies/TV: Watch what you're curious about, not what "you should" watch

Clothes: Wear what makes YOU feel good, not what he liked

Weekends: Plan activities based on what YOU want to do

Social: Say yes to invitations YOU want, no to ones you don't

Pay attention to how you FEEL during these experiments.

What lights you up? What drains you? What makes you feel like yourself?

Trust those feelings. They're guiding you back to who you really are.

Step 5: Reclaim Your Opinions

One of the sneakiest ways we lose ourselves? We stop having our own opinions.

We start saying "I don't know, what do you think?" and "Whatever you want is fine" and "I don't really care either way."

Girl. You DO care.

You have opinions. You have preferences. You have thoughts. You just got in the habit of suppressing them.

Time to reclaim them.

Practice having opinions about small things:

• What restaurant do you want to go to?

• What movie sounds interesting?

• What do you think about [current event]?

• What's your take on this situation?

At first, you might not even know. And that's okay.

So ask yourself: "If nobody else's opinion mattered, what would I want? What would I think?"

And then say it out loud. Practice. Even if it's just to yourself.

You're allowed to have preferences. You're allowed to have opinions. You're allowed to take up space.

Step 6: Rebuild Your Friend Circle

Real talk: Did you lose friends during this relationship?

Did you stop returning calls? Cancel plans? Prioritize him over everyone? Slowly drift away from your people?

Yeah. Me too.

It's time to reconnect.

I know it's scary. You might feel guilty. You might worry they're mad at you. You might not even know what to say.

But trust me: Your real friends miss you. They've been waiting for you to come back.

Send the text:

"Hey, I know I've been MIA. I lost myself for a bit but I'm working on getting back to me. Can we grab coffee/have a call/hang out soon? I miss you."

Most of the time, they'll say yes. Because they love you.

And being around people who knew you BEFORE him? That's medicine, girl. They'll remind you of who you really are.

Step 7: Set Boundaries Around Your Energy

As you're rediscovering yourself, you're gonna be more sensitive to what drains you vs. what fills you up.

Pay attention.

And then set boundaries accordingly:

If certain people make you feel small? Limit time with them.

If certain activities exhaust you? Say no.

If certain environments make you anxious? Don't go.

If certain conversations drain you? Change the subject or leave.

You're rebuilding yourself. You need to protect your energy fiercely.

This isn't selfish. This is survival.

You can't find yourself while everyone else is pulling at you.

Step 8: Journal Your Way Back to You

I cannot stress this enough: Journaling is how you process this.

But not just any journaling. Strategic, intentional journaling.

Every day, answer these prompts:

Morning:

• "Today I want to feel..."

• "One thing I'm doing just for ME today is..."

• "I'm learning that I actually like/don't like..."

Evening:

• "Today I felt most like myself when..."

• "Something I discovered about myself today..."

• "Tomorrow I'm going to try..."

Track your rediscovery. Watch yourself come back to life on the pages.

And when you're having a hard day and feeling lost? Read back through your entries. See how far you've come.

Step 9: Create New Experiences Alone

Here's something that changed everything for me:

I started doing things alone.

And I don't mean staying home alone (though that's important too). I mean going OUT alone. Intentionally.

I went to:

• Movies by myself

• Restaurants by myself

• Coffee shops by myself

• Museums by myself

• Concerts by myself

• Weekend trips by myself

Why this matters:

When you're alone, you can't hide behind someone else's preferences. You can't defer to what they want. You have to tune into what YOU want.

Plus, there's something incredibly empowering about enjoying your own company. About being whole all by yourself.

You don't need someone else to complete you. You're complete on your own.

And once you know that - really know it in your bones - everything changes.

Step 10: Give Yourself Permission to Be a Beginner

As you're rediscovering yourself, you're gonna try things and realize "Actually, I don't like this anymore" or "Wait, I never actually liked this."

That's okay.

You're not the same person you were before the relationship. You've grown. You've changed. And that's normal.

The goal isn't to become who you were before him.

The goal is to discover who you are NOW. After everything. With all your experiences and growth and lessons.

So experiment. Try things. Quit things. Change your mind. Evolve.

You're allowed to be a beginner at being yourself.

The Timeline (Be Patient With Yourself)🌸

Real talk: This takes time.

You didn't lose yourself overnight. You're not gonna find yourself overnight either.

For most people:

Month 1: You're still figuring out what's "you" vs. what was "him"

Month 2-3: You're starting to reconnect with old interests and discover new ones

Month 4-6: You're feeling more like yourself, but still discovering

Month 6-12: You're solid in who you are, confident in your preferences, clear on your identity

But everyone's different. Don't compare your timeline to anyone else's.

The question isn't "How long will this take?"

The question is "Am I making progress?"

And if you're doing even ONE thing from this list? Yes. You are.

Signs You're Finding Yourself Again💖

You'll know you're healing when:

✨ You can make decisions without second-guessing yourself constantly

✨ You have hobbies and interests that are just YOURS

✨ You enjoy spending time alone

✨ You have opinions and you're not afraid to share them

✨ You're excited about your own life

✨ You're making choices based on what YOU want, not what someone else might think

✨ You feel like yourself again (even if that self is different than before)

And the best part?

When you're whole on your own, when you KNOW who you are, when you're living a life you love...

You won't lose yourself in the next relationship. You'll know how to maintain your identity while being in love.

That's the real prize, sis.

You're Gonna Find Her Again💞

I know right now you feel lost. Disconnected. Like you don't even know who you are anymore.

But I promise you - she's still there. The real you. The you that exists outside of any relationship.

And she's waiting for you to come back home.

Every small step you take - every hobby you try, every opinion you voice, every boundary you set - you're walking toward her.

Keep walking, girl. You're almost there.

Ready to fast-track your self-discovery journey?

My "Decenter Men in 30 Days" guided journal gives you daily prompts specifically designed to help you find yourself again. No more wondering who you are. No more feeling lost.

✨ 30 days of guided self-discovery

✨ Daily prompts to reconnect with yourself

✨ Exercises to rebuild your identity

✨ Space to explore what YOU actually want

[Get "Decenter Men in 30 Days" for $37 →]

Or grab my free checklist: "5 Signs You've Lost Yourself in Your Relationship" to see where you are right now.

[Download the Free Checklist →]

Comment below: What's ONE thing you used to love that you gave up? Let's reclaim them together. 💕